Empathy and Social Connection
Humans are social creatures. Complex social lives and complex brains define us. The repeating social patterns and communication that bring us together with our family, friends, and community form the foundation of our culture.
There is a group studying who we are becoming biologically and culturally and how that shapes our experiences, psychologies, and imagination. The Culture, Mind, and Brain Network is a program of the Foundation of Psychocultural Research with a scientific advisory board including internationally recognized leaders in the fields of anthropology, psychology, psychiatry, neurobiology, epidemiology, and public health on the faculty at the University of California, Los Angeles and the University of Southern California. This network has a decade of research scheduled to publish fall 2020 on how our relationships within cultures shape the structure and function of our brain.
From birth, humans need nurturing until we are ready to explore the world on our own. We need the Four S’s of healthy attachment: to feel seen, safe, soothed, and secure. The thing is, we need this trust and security throughout our entire lives. Trust is what creates an emotional connection. Feeling secure is feeling safe and stable. You may have heard the term Psychological Safety or Trauma-Informed Care in the corporate, healthcare, or nonprofit space.
I see two reasons for these terms showing up. The first is that humans are continuously curious about our brain, who we are, and why we are here. We have a deep need to understand ourselves and each other, and to make our world a better place; this is our collaborative nature for survival. The second reason is that abuse and violence statistics are staggering. The Center for Disease Control reports that in the United States, one in four children experience some form of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. One in four women has experienced domestic violence. One in five women and one in 71 men have experienced rape at some point in their lives — 12% of these women and 30% of men were younger than ten years old when raped. The FBI reported that violent hate crimes in 2018 were the highest in 16 years, with 60% motivated by race, ethnicity, or ancestry bias. Reports indicate a sharp rise in the violence against women across the world during the coronavirus crisis. This data means a large portion of our community has experienced and witnessed trauma at some point in their lives.
We need social connection and empathy more than ever.
There is a plot twist in our human development. Our brains need to connect to others for survival, and in doing so, it appears that sustaining relationships came before our ability to self-reflect. We need to read each other’s signals to know when to run for cover. Let that sink in for a minute.
Supportive relationships are central to positive well-being, health, and longevity. The social connection comes before understanding ourselves. This concept makes so much sense when I think about why a person in an abusive relationship stays. It is because their primary form of connection is hurting them. They cannot focus on themselves without positive social contact. That is why friends, family, shelters, and social workers are so important as a lifeline to people in danger. We need someone to see us and help us get to safety. We need each other to understand our own needs. We are human. This is the real work.
Trust is the foundation of human connections: it is what holds relationships and collaboration together. It can be tricky because most of us have betrayals in our life. Mistrust causes anxiety, fear, and low self-esteem as we try to protect ourselves.
Lisa Feldman Barrett, Ph.D., is a University Distinguished Professor of Psychology at Northeastern University, with appointments at Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital in Psychiatry and Radiology. In her book, How Emotions are Made, she teaches us that our brain is predictive rather than reactive. Like an antenna, our brain continually probes and evaluates what is going on around us in relation to our bodies, relying on all of our external and internal senses. It is constantly checking for changes in air pressure, light, sounds, smells, touch, heart rate, and so on. It is making guesses about what is likely to happen next based on what information it has now. This is how we make meaning and understand emotions in ourselves. It is also how we make predictions about other people. We observe head tilts, tapping feet, tone of voice, and smells in others. These senses are the fabric of our social and emotional experiences.
Why is this important to know? These senses our brain picks up are mostly outside of our consciousness. Our culture sways us to pay attention to our thinking self more than our sensory self. Externally, we operate in the context of many systems in the world around us (family, school, work, community, country, world). Internally, we have our identity (what we believe about ourselves), and the unconscious senses our brain is picking up. Each of these systems is complex and affects each other. We can become more attuned to those senses within ourselves and others when we practice presence, usually in the form of meditation or mindfulness. These practices help us develop the skill of listening with our whole body. By slowing down the predictive nature of the brain, we bring awareness and choice, build resilience, remain resourceful and creative no matter what is going on around us, and can formulate a new prediction that may help us move forward.
Presence is vital in having empathy for ourselves and others. Empathy is a practiced skill. It is about connecting to other people’s emotions instead of responding to experience. It is a practice of staying out of judgment and taking another person’s perspective, then being able to communicate what we’ve heard to understand needs. One of the pillars of empathy is being able to sense and name feelings in ourselves. A racing heart may not be anger; it can be curiosity. Sweaty palms may not signal anxiety; it could be determination. Practicing presence and staying curious helps us form a more extensive emotional vocabulary. Understanding our own emotions helps us better perceive the emotions of others.
We may feel like something is missing in our communication during quarantine in the coronavirus outbreak and can’t put our gloved finger on it. It may be all those little unconscious cues we receive from other people when we are in a group event or working side-by-side with our team. We can’t replace those things, but we can continue to practice presence and empathy and create trust by understanding what we need and the needs of others.
Chinese philosopher Chuang-Tzu stated that genuine empathy requires listening with our whole being: “The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when the faculties are empty, then the whole being listens. There is then a direct grasp of what is right there before you that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind.”
One may ask, what does empathy buy me? I say it buys three things:
Well-being and more choice for ourselves.
Self-doubt can take a powerful hold on us. Our internal and external senses have influence. Making our internal state visible helps us know where we have the potential for choice. There is also research that shows that being present can increase the enzymes in our bodies, which are vital for health and repair the ends of our chromosomes.
Better relationships with others.
Understanding each other’s needs, feelings, and observations help us build social connections and respond appropriately. We also learn to regulate our own emotions to manage our stress without becoming overwhelmed. It promotes helping behavior.
Better collaboration and innovation in our society.
Empathy helps us hold multiple perspectives to have multiple conversations to take care of the needs of people in our society. Empathy builds a world that is more creative, team-oriented, open, and curious. The hope is that we have a more civil society with respectful discourse for a more humane world.
Trauma is real. Mistrust is natural. We are continually protecting ourselves from being hurt, but these fears can turn quickly into self-doubt. Practicing presence teaches us to listen with our whole body. When we listen with our whole body, we can practice empathy. When we practice empathy, we gain trust in ourselves and others. Science tells us that our healthy relationships are an integral part of our survival and well-being. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and build relationships that are more than transactional will help us look inward and reflect on our inner strengths, radiating curiosity, and openness into a world that needs healing.
Let’s talk. Contact us today to discuss what’s challenging you and how we can support you in navigating a path forward.